Theloopylululog

If I had to get a tattoo right now, it would be this.

This is an AI generated image of the tattoo I would LOVE to get on my left forearm.

Why?

As a reminder of the life I have lived; drama, trauma, karma — all inclusive. Not to forget the toll tax I paid extra at every damn stop! Ofcourse it deserves a tribute! Obviously as artistic as it can get for the artist I am! Also not too elaborate keeping in mind that I get woozy when I see blood.

Now, if you have been spending some time on my blog, you are privy to my story.

The journey of finding myself has been the broad arc of the blog, with every other post reiterating the one important lesson I had to learn along the way.

I built my home in others since birth. From family to friends, from lovers to partners, from work to my fashion label; I have seeked home and anchor in the other in vain. Realising only after I have failed each time, that building a home in someone else could only mean one thing — I could lose my home when they walk away.

And walk away they did. Taking my home with them.

Roofless and toiling in the storm, alone and lonely, pretty much sums up as the story board of many of my earlier versions. I feel terribly sorry for them in hindsight. How scared of their own selves might have they been — my many past selves?

It is true. I wasn’t confident enough that I was enough. I lacked self-esteem, self-respect and self-acceptance. No wonder I was taken for granted everwhere and by everyone. One man’s weakness is after all often another man’s fodder for manipulation in a dog eat dog world.

Living with anxiety made everything doubly hard. Add to that, emotional volatility and being as sensitive as a nerve. I was what you could call a landmine ready to explode any time without warning.

I sometimes wonder how I managed to become this calm and detached person I am now. It’s been a long winding road but I finally am at ease with myself. Now all roads leading Home lead to Me. The road to myself began where all roads to the other ended. But now I am Home. I am my Home.

This has been possible only and only because I strived to keep dying to my past. A life strife with failure might seem worthless. It did feel that way. Leading me to the ledge one too many times. But failure taught me what success never could.

That I am possible. Nothing is impossible for me because I have infinite potential. I am enough just the way I am even if the world doesn’t think so. The world and it’s aunt can reject me all they want, but I still accept me just the way I am.

It’s taken me more than four decades of inner work to become this impregnable fortress of confidence, trust, self-esteem and ironclad self worth. Akin to the legendary wish-fulfilling self-sufficient tree, Kalpvriksh. The roots of which are my past and the trunk my journey to find myself. The boughs, the foliage, the flowers and fruits; the destination — I, me, myself as Home, also the long pending returns on my long term investment!

The tattoo is a doffing of my own hat to myself and my incredible journey of finding belonging, happiness, joy, fulfillment, contentment and peace within myself.

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