Theloopylululog

How do I deal with uncertainty?

Funnily enough I can say with some certainty that I have finally managed to establish a beautiful working relationship with uncertainty.

In one word, it’s unpredictable.

Somedays it’s all butterflies and roses like as if meeting someone on a first date.

Some days I am indifferent. Some other days I am reduced to a puddle of tears.

I am found channelling my inner monk on days when everyone around me is falling off their edges. Other times I am the one raising hell.

Catch me on my period and uncertainty finds itself weighed down by explosive abuses hurled at it from all corners of it’s small world. Sorry, I don’t do NICE today!

As I said, unpredictable. And I love it! I love it that I am certain about how I deal with uncertainty.

Most days though, I deal with it like it’s a husband I wake up next to for a thousand odd years. Knowing exactly how I would react to their farts, fibs and foibles. I just know I know how to work with it’s idiosyncrasies.

And that knowing that I KNOW makes all the difference.

This quote sums me up perfectly. This is who I am now at 45.

Until a few years ago, I was afraid of everything. I was that bird afraid of itself, afraid of the tree, the branch, afraid of trust, afraid of the unknown; pretty much spending all my time fine tuning everything and everyone according to my needs. An absolute control freak!

Why? Because I had anxiety. Anxiety attacks were common and I experienced them with body and mind melting into each other. Fear of the unknown kept me paralysed but I am known to have been impulsive as well. Taking risks when they weren’t needed. Trying to prove to myself that I could achieve the impossible even when it was totally unnecessary for any such shenanigans.

In one word, I was predictable. When faced with uncertainty, I would try to deal with it all guns blazing. Like mustards spluttering in hot oil, I would try to be in all places at once. Need you wonder, how I fared?

Let’s just say I wasn’t a pretty sight.

The day I finally accepted to myself that I had to tone it down and figure out a better way to deal with it, the fog began to clear.

I know my mind. It has a battery that never needs charging. It can just go on and on and on till the end of the world. Add anxiety to the mix and it’s like mixing opiates with alcohol; deadly. Need I say, my mind is addicted to the high of the unknown?

There is fear. There is always the fear of walking into the unknown but I find myself walking into it anyway. Adventurous much? Oh yeah!

It took a concoction of strict disciplinary measures of meditation, yoga, therapy, dedicated focus and determined efforts to get to a place where I am now aware of where my mind will go when it faces the unknown and I deal with it with my lion hearted heart.

To let you in on what goes on beyond the scenes, here’s a peep into my life.

Years ago, I met a writer online. Found myself attracted to him without even knowing what the man looked like. Wasn’t even sure if it was a man! Fell in love within 10 days. Committed in the next week. Flew to a new continent in the months that followed. Lived with him for the next few months. Made plans to get married and move to that continent!

All that happened in a matter of a short time. I probably didn’t even know the man inside out before I decided to move lock,stock and barrel. Covid killed the spark. The relationship fizzled out slowly and painfully, leaving me an emotional wreck.

If only I weren’t addicted to the high of the unknown. If only I had been more thoughtful about my heart…

Cut to today. When my mind goes let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, my heart tames it to let’s go slow, let’s go slow, let’s go slow.

Everything about life is uncertain and there in lies the certainty! An adventurous spirit like me deals with it with excitement, zeal and trepidation in equal measure.

I still walk into uncertainty with all the guns of my anxiety blazing. My mind running into it like a warrior’s Carpe Diem!

BUT my heart accompanies it like an old experienced wizard with all the magic and the wisdom needed to sail through the unpredictable seas of uncertainty.