Theloopylululog

If I had to give one life-changing tip to anyone, it would be the one that changed my life.

Learn to say No.

Learning to say No was the biggest game changer for me in the journey from being a victim to being a victor.

I was a people pleaser since birth. I lived to minimise myself, my needs and my voice in exchange for peace. I loved to sacrifice myself in everybody’s altar so I could escape unscathed from the accusations of being a bad girl.

It began first at home with family then grew itself in leaps and bounds with the world surrounding me.

The girl grew up to be a woman. But sadly the people pleasing attitude grew up with her.

I would rather be silent than raise my issues. Give the silent treatment than voice my concerns. Become a wall flower than rebel against oppression.

The angst and the anger simmered within for a very long time. Until it had morphed itself into vitriol of monstrous proportion.

Ofcourse, when the dam burst and I did begin to say No, it came out in ways that only hurt; burning me and everyone involved in it’s wake. I got myself tightly coiled in guilt and regret. Shame gnawed me from inside out.

Friendships and relationships; professional and familial, went up in smoke. My relationship with my own self suffered. My mind broke and I tried to extinguish my life repeatedly.

It took many a self help book, numerous sessions of self therapy, various tiffs with the ones I am close to, years of meditation and decades of self introspection to finally get out there and seek help.

I went to therapy.

I spoke about the price I paid for aspiring to become a perfect woman. Ended up becoming a perfect aspirational doormat instead. I raised my doubts as to why the pushback I received, dissolved every relationship I had so carefully tried to keep safe.

I said No to the violent emotionally abusive ways of my Dad. I put an end to squeezing myself into every checkbox of my perfectionist Mom. I said Yes to being myself however weird or wonky that might appear to my parents. My personal freedom needed to be alive, not their version of who they wanted me to be.

I said No to abusive teachers, doctors, priests and partners. My mental, emotional, spiritual health and safety mattered more to me than their atrocious demands to changing me into their alabastar automaton.

I said No to beliefs, agendas and jingoism of a world that was hell bent on recruiting me to become their voice piece of hate and denial.

I said No to my own mind’s games.

How different is life now, Lulu? I hear you ask.

I still have my parents and siblings to fall back on. I have a friend, who chose to stay through thick and thin. A woman who loved me more for who I was beyond the facade I projected to the outside world.

I frankly don’t care that I don’t have any other relationships to write home about. It’s ok. I don’t have the energy for more, anyway.

And yes, I always have myself. At the end of my life, I want to look back and say to myself Bravo Lulu, you stayed true to your authentic self.

No matter who left or who chose to stay, I stood by me through every boundary I built. I said No to everything fake in my life until only that which truly mattered and enriched my life stayed.

And that made all the difference.

Peace comes at a cost and if that cost is in laying boundaries to protect my sanity, authenticity and self esteem, then so be it.

If laying boundaries and standing up for yourself with a resounding No leaves you persecuted and exiled, then understand this, that the world was never meant to be your safe space.

So begin today. Begin now, before it is too late.

Say No,

To inappropriate touches, demands and jokes.

You will be hounded,

But do it anyway.

Say No,

To unreasonable asks, commitments and requests.

You will be bullied,

But do it anyway.

Say No,

To outrageous expectations, favours and aid.

You will be harassed,

But do it anyway.

Say No,

To inexcusable prejudice, bias and bigotry.

You will be oppressed,

But do it anyway.

Say No,

To unforgivable discrimination, exploitation and corruption.

You will be victimized,

But do it anyway.

Say No,

To being taken for granted by parents, siblings, friends, lovers, partners, spouses, children, teachers, doctors, priests, neighbours, acquaintances, strangers, politics, government, organisations, states, countries, nations and the world at large.

You will be ostracized,

But do it anyway.

Lastly,

Say No to being taken for granted by yourself.

You will be tormented,

But do it anyway.

Please do it any way.