Theloopylululog

Is a little chaos good for us?

I can only answer for myself since I don’t know what chaos means to you. Chaos is different for different people. Each body experiences it differently. Each mind understands it differently.

That said, here’s how my relationship with chaos has been. It began with misunderstanding and hate and ended with acceptance and love.

I was born an anxious person. I am sure my tiny body weighing just over 2.3 kgs at birth was filled all the way from my head to the knees with anxiety. Curiosity made up for the rest.

I also lived in a home prone to violent temper tantrums. He was wildly angry most of the time. She cowered in fear the rest. So suffice to say, I grew up with chaos for parents I was afraid of but loved anyway.

Living in a chaotic environment with anxiety attacks for company leaves you with expertise to handle pretty much anything. If you are thinking Oh Lulu has a Ph.d in chaos theory…this is going to get interesting…let’s dive in people!

My lived in experience has taught me that chaos isn’t healthy for the body. It forces the body to coil itself into a tight knot. It anticipates danger in every room it enters and every person it encounters, already up in arms to fight the invisible demons before even arriving in the scene. And it does not know how to relax. Even when there is literally no one around for miles ahead.

A rigid body makes for a rigid mind. Closed to change. Tightly shut to views and opinions other than one’s own. It leaves one with a world view that is highly distorted at it’s worst.

Imagine being stuck in a warzone being bombarded with explosives with no respite or escape for years on end. Add a typhoon for added special effects. You have entered my mind. Welcome! Hope you haven’t left your ear plugs behind.

The cacophony of chaos for me became ground zero. Low key anxiety made itself cozy in my chest. Arrhythmic heart beat was normal. A pronounced stutter accompanied me till I was 8. Need I say that being mocked at was a part and parcel of childhood?

Much of adulthood was lost in learning to live life at a pace that wasn’t so calculative. Where I didn’t have to be desperate to always stay ahead of my anxiety.

My relationships obviously bore the brunt. Hardwired to function at my best around chaos and chaotic people, I excelled at reading the room before I set foot in the house.

Friendships rested on me becoming the sacrificial goat. Perpetually afraid that the other would leave anyday, I became someone who was hell bent on retaining relationships that served no purpose to me.

Romantic relationships saw the worst anxiety come up in me obviously doing more damage than good. When chaos becomes second skin, peace loses all meaning. No wonder, my mental and physical health were on the brink of a breakdown.

Break down it did. My mind collapsed to depression. My body learnt to live with an unknown fear within and without. From an exam to a graduation ceremony, travel around town to travelling away from home, phone calls to friends to phone calls for interviews, personal meetups to professional meetings; everything was a battleground for me, a war I had to win. Somehow. Shaking hands, sweating brow, clammy teeth et al.

Perfectionism became an armour I wore to sleep. Sleep became a distant memory. And memory…I became famous for my photographic memory. Committing even the smallest of things to memory became a pursuit of happiness!

Being unprepared felt like walking around naked. Back ups to copies of back ups had a back up folder hidden inside an emergency folder. In my mind and in my computer.

Something had to give. It did when I turned 40, when I got handed a gift of a breakup on my birthday.

This is where life shifted its gears for me. A pivot that I never saw coming.

I came to discover that breakdowns are always breakthroughs. When you have hit rock bottom, there literally is no place else to go but up.

Crawl out of the mess chaos had let me to, I did! Took me 1/10th of my time on Earth but here I am. Not cool as a cucumber. Yet. But my sights are set on becoming one for sure. Someday.

So what am I saying? Chaos isn’t worth it?

No.

A little chaos actually works in our favour. BUT only if we learn to work around it. It is an aquired skill. Before you protest, hear me out.

Agreed, chaos isn’t healthy. But look around you. We live in a world that is splitting at it’s seams. 8+ billion people around us, each a walking talking world on his/her/their own. Battling their own life in their own chaotic ways. How do you plan to avoid chaos?

Something somewhere is breaking to pieces at any single moment that is beyond our control. A war in Iran has led us to learn to cook differently. A war in Ukraine led my maid to switch her cooking oil as India ran out of sunflower oil which was the cheapest in the market at the time. Which forced her to put her health first over something available at a cheaper price.

Both results unanticipated. Both changed perspectives and life choices.

Chaos is funny that way. The butterfly effect of its repurcusions is far reaching and many a times, a big, much needed change is the end result.

These are just random examples that came to me now. Personally, my breakdown sent me to therapy. Therapy gave me tools to manage the chaos within me that seemed to be a magnet for all the chaos outside me. I stopped attracting it once I began the inner work.

Years of yoga and meditation had taught me to find peace in chaos. Therapy helped me to gently guide myself away from being sucked into it. I no more wore my Ph.d in chaos theory as a badge of honour. I learnt to step aside and let it pass. No more wars within. No more perfectionism.

Living in perpetual chaos has now given me an insider’s view and perspective of what it actually takes to allow it to help me instead of it glaring me down into submission with no place to run.

Now when I find myself in a scene with blazing men( and women ofcourse) reaching out for their gunning minds, I don’t seek my glory there. I switch on my calm and let them fight their battles.

When my family with a surname that should read chaos instead of Krishnan’s, go about their wild antics, I quietly exit the scene like a stealthy cat and let them find their answers. Ain’t my problem. Ain’t my responsiblity to find a solution either. Their chaos actualy help me find my centre in peace.

These new life lessons stop me from going overboard with overthinking and overplanning for every contingency. I know I can navigate anything life throws me with my repertoire of past experiences. When things go wildly out of control, I now have exit strategies ready that I don’t have to second guess!

Currently, my body and mind as it goes through menopause are off kilter most days, a chaos I am new to. But with a lifetime worth of experiences up my belt, I know I can fly through this storm too.

Maybe not with ease. But certainly with expertise!

Here’s to a lil chaos!! Can’t avoid it so we better learn to work with it. A lil chaos goes a long way indeed.