Theloopylululog

I had a phase in my 20’s. Let’s call it Lulu’s Rocking through Depression era.

Days cut me with the jagged edges of loneliness and evenings dawned with melancholia seeping into my skin. Nights were typically spent in the company of anxiety and tears smelling of a sadness that simply refused to be named.

I was never people friendly. But this phase is when hatred seeped into everything. Akin to a paranoid snake, I was always ready to strike anyone that as much as tried to talk to me. Most often the recipient of the poisonous bite would be me. Counter productive. Sure. Helpful much? Absolutely not.

Depression made me measure everything in absolutes. Living pretty much felt like a waste of time. Life felt meaningless despite every moment of everyday trying to prove me wrong. During this inexplicably rough and raging times, I found some softness and solace in the ragged rifts of Linkin Park and Green Day. The mental chaos simmering in my solitude cleared, even if for a few minutes and the lingering silence became more palatable as their words broke down the walls I had raised high in defiance of the world.   

They felt like home. Their music created safe zones within my self induced war with myself. To hide and escape from my own self sabotaging behaviour. What I stifled within me would go on to become their throaty screams. They became the friends I lacked. Giving direction to a yet to be born path towards healing.

Numb by Linkin Park and Are we, we are the waiting unknown by Green Day were the anthems of this phase, riddled with the potholes of self-pity and self- hatred. One would sound like a self-explanatory chapter of my unwritten autobiography. The other remained a melodious puzzle I couldn’t wrap my head around for decades. A puzzle I knew I could put together but didn’t know how.

Cut to 2024. I had sought professional help by now and was no more the one to believe in suicide as the one stop answer to life’s inescapable questions.

While recording a motivational audio for someone dear to me, who was struggling with depression, the lyrics of the Green day song kept flashing in my mind. That’s when it finally hit home.

My life has seen me stumbling through a heartbreak that almost snuffed out my life, a burnout in business leading to closure and another crippling heartbreak that made me question my sanity in general and life in specific. Turning to help outside of me only brought more of what I didn’t need. Pity. And that known look of I have no clue what you are going through…Thank God I ain’t you!

Through every dark night, God was the only light that stayed. Through every pain that threatened to crush my spirit, God shone His light on the only help I ever needed. My Self. I was the anchor to my ship that had lost its moorings.

But somehow it took a long time…a very long time to see this truth. Even more to believe and trust in it. When I finally came through and stood up for myself, relying on what God Himself patiently taught me to, I finally noticed life. Observed it. Felt it. Appreciated it. That is when life took a different turn. Towards joy, peace and contentment. The only 3 things I always sought.

Coming full circle, the trick to put the puzzle together and decipher the mystery behind the song finally revealed itself to me.

We look for someone or something outside of us to ground us when we are falling apart. Someone else to become the root of the tree we are. We visit spiritual places to pray and beg God to show some mercy. Take out our anger and frustration on Him. A trip or two to our therapists hoping to unravel the mystery we have become to our own hearts. Treat our friends and family as shoulders to heave my burdens onto them to bear.

Putting off life and living for some other day. Filling our days with everything that diverts our attention from the only thing that matters. Our heart is always roving; seeking another to comfort us, to love, to soothe and to offer us what we refuse to offer ourselves. A little non-judgmental attention, plenty of validation and an endless supply of kindness and self love.

Why? Why? Don’t tell me its human nature( I love the MJ song, no doubt but the lyrics do get me to ponder).

Why do we never think of ourselves first when we need help? Why is it that we are never our own SOS call? Our first respondent? Our 3 AM call? Our first hug when we are melting in a pool of guilt and shame?

Why don’t we let ourselves get out of our way and see ourselves for who we really are?

We are the image of our God.

We are the great unknown we seek outside of us.

We won’t find it on Insta, Tinder, self help books or motivational podcasts. We won’t find it in family, friends and partners. It’s not fair to expect them to be or become our emotional comforter every time we go off kilter.

What do you think God is pointing us towards when we reach out to Him in distress?

The answer in every scripture there is, is the same.

Look within.

We are the answers to our questions.

We are the yin to our yang.

Rumi never said, What you seek is seeking you.

He said, You are what you seek.

The circle begins and ends at the same point: Ourselves.

We were always the home we naively built in others’ hearts.

Why is it so difficult to understand the simplest of things God has been trying so hard to tell us?

We are the great unknown we are waiting for.

Ironical…My journey from darkness to self discovery, from the shadows towards light lasted 18 years. Thorough my 20’s and 30’s, everything I possibly could, I did to untangle myself off the stranglefold of the deep ends of depression. From going it alone most part of it to finally seeking help, it took 20 years to heal myself.

20 years of struggle to find life’s meaning. Blind to the only meaning life needs to be accorded with.

So, what is the meaning of life?

To me, it has been the long journey of coming home to myself. To know, to value, to cherish, to love and be the cheerleader of the one person I am fully responsible for, till death do us apart: ME.

When I am team Lulu, life automatically offers a key to its heavenly doors. Beyond which lie mysteries and unparalled beauty to unravel and make meaning of. The inifinite potential of life can only be unlocked when I reach within me for the light I was born with.

Ironical, isn’t it? It was only while helping someone else see the light at the end of the tunnel in their own battle with depression that I eventually figured out the meaning hidden behind the lyrics of a beloved song of over 2 decades. Life revealed it’s full meaning when I was doing my best to save another from a certain death. To think it was hiding in plain sight under a rock song …now that’s got to be the Universe’s ultimate trick! Isn’t it?