Theloopylululog

Welcome to Lulu’s Pause. A series of posts; musings, rants and insights – stitching together the discomfort, the disarray and the complete lack of clarity, during the most difficult and painful chapter of my life. Am I perimenopausal, menopausal or somewhere in between in this life changing journey of transitioning through menopause? I frankly do not know anymore.

If you just landed here you might want to check the introductory post of this series And…thus it begins first.

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That said, let’s take it from the top!

2017.

It was a few months into downing the shutters on a decade long career. Playing the roles of a store owner, entrepreneur, designer and revivalist in the highly volatile and cut throat business of fashion. Juggling the pressure of trends, high key anxiety to stay relevant and the never-ending stream of bills and payments.

The day the curtains drew on my career as a business woman, I finally let out a long-held sigh. The relief was much needed and the experience exhilaratingly expansive. Breath softened my bones for the first time in a long time. Even they breathed in deeply, the careless brazenness of an unknown freedom.

Basking in my danda choru (a Tamil colloquial phrase meaning food wasted on an idle, lazy, jobless, unproductive person) era, laughing at some girly jokes with my sister one morning, I casually peered into the mirror.  

Only to be jolted out of my newly found non-chalance.

It looked like an earthquake had ravaged my scalp. Literally in pieces, tiny flakes falling off of it. It cannot be dandruff! Could it? I would have itched my scalp like no one was watching me if that were the case. But I had not even noticed the flaking. How long was this thing going on? Judging by the amount of shedding I experienced that day onwards, it seemed for quite a while.

So, what was it?

I had no idea. Obviously, I headed to the doctor we all hold in our pockets. Google! The search led me down a proverbial rabbit hole that I still haven’t seen the other side of.

I tried everything I could. Being a regular at oiling my hair, I continued the same but ventured into warm oil treatments. Switched between almond and olive oil along with my tried and tested coconut oil. Changed conditioners fearing my regular conditioner was probably hurting my scalp despite never applying it on the scalp! Tried hair masks. All herbal and organic, mostly homemade since I have been allergic to all kinds of chemicals since childhood. Switched shampoos. Went no shampoo. From aloe vera to curd to coffee, tried every herbal concoction. My scalp had begun to resemble my pantry, no less!

Nothing worked.

The scalp remained stubbornly stuck in quake mode. Like the aftermath of one, even the Richter scale would have been proud of! Maybe it is!

10 years later, would I say the situation is the same? Not as worse as it began, but the scalp remains flaky.

What changed is awareness. Now I know it was the earliest of all my menopausal symptoms.  

Yes. A dry flaky scalp is a symptom. No, it doesn’t itch. You wouldn’t even notice it. Not unless you are in the habit of checking your scalp often.

How many of you knew? I didn’t. I was 35 then. Menopause was not anywhere in the vicinity of my radar. Healthy and fit, my thoughts weren’t flying in the Oh! my body is phasing out of its reproductive age zone!

In hindsight, it was a wake-up call. I didn’t pay heed since I wasn’t aware I should! My Mom is one of those who has had no menstrual pain, no trouble with ovulation, no PMS, and pretty much a smooth ride out of menopause. She only went through the classic hot flashes-night sweats-mood swings rigmarole. My sister although elder is only now showing symptoms. Her ride too is going down the classic road of weight gain-constipation-heavy bleeding.

I have had no precedent to go by since I am not one to have many friends. Honestly, it’s been lonely and confusing as hell. Still is.  

The only thing different now is I stopped caring about the flakes. I let them be as long as they don’t irritate me or make themselves be seen at inopportune moments like a boyfriend I am trying to hide from the world.

What sometimes works is exposure to sunlight. So, whenever I can, I enjoy morning my herbal tisane out on the rooftop. Other days, I don’t bother trying too hard. I follow the same old routine I have been since childhood. Oil my scalp and hair once every 3 days and leave it overnight and wash off the next morning with a mild shampoo that is not dripping with chemicals.

Flakes or no flakes, I WON’T allow my scalp to dictate how I feel about my life. I admit I used to be ashamed a decade ago. Worrying when heading out, with a low-key anxiety following suit. That didn’t do much to either self-esteem or scalp health.

What works, you ask?

It took a lot of struggles; both internal and external. Internally I fought a losing battle with my own judgement and criticism of the self. Judging myself for having been so careless. Criticizing myself for not doing enough. Externally I was afraid of the judgement and criticism that might come my way if people around me got wind of it. It sounds weird I know but the struggle had begun to affect my mental health too by now. People were already looking down on me for choosing to let go of a business, choosing to intentionally live a slow life over a rat race that ends nowhere but hell.

In essence I was living a life in hiding. Checking the mirror meticulously each time I headed out or before I came face to face with another. Hoping the scalp behaved each time! Let me tell you it was tiresome and a lost cause from the get go.

The only thing that worked for me is acceptance and quiet surrender. Back then I learnt to let it pass as just a phase. Quietly waiting for it to stop someday like as if it was unseasonal rain!

With time and a few more greying hairs, came maturity and emotional stability and the realisation that this journey through menopause is just a phase like everything else in life. Transient. Shifting. With the added knowing that it too shall pass. Maybe not in the way I want it to, but pass it certainly shall. Leaving me with lessons of self-acceptance and the greatest joy of achieving saint-level patience.

The scalp continues to be a troublesome flaky child (pun intended) but I have traded my anxious, immature bratty self with one that is wise, calm and secure in herself.

And that, my friend WORKS!

Have any of you experienced the same? How did your menopause journey begin? What was your first symptom? Let me know if you would like to share.

My menopause journey has been long and flaky scalp awareness is just the beginning.

The Alice in me continues to tumble down the rabbit hole.