Theloopylululog

Have you ever climbed a guava tree?

A tree, notorious for it’s slippery bark and brittle branches. An invitation to a hazardous adventure. A thrilling event with the prize of launching you into the kingdom of I-HAVE-IT-IN-ME & YOU-BETTER-BELIEVE-IT!

No?

Don’t worry. I won’t drag you to a climbing exploration now. It is a test before you trust expedition that needs some prior skills.

Skills I didn’t know I had. All it took for me to make a run up the bark like a hungry chimp was a boy who challenged me that I didn’t have what it takes to climb a tree.

I was reed thin and sickly with googly eyes, as big as a globe. I answered the boy, not by words but by deeds. By simply turning around and climbing the first tree that was in my line of sight.

Turns out a guava tree is a tough one to beat. You need to hug it like you mean it and I was luckily born a hugger! I somehow made it to the top and picked the choicest of juicy fruit while the boy stood below watching with his mouth agape.

Laying there, biting into the guavas, on one of it’s not so sturdy branches, looking at the expanse of CastleRock, I did not realise I had learnt one of the profound, most significant life lessons I will ever learn. A lesson that life would repeatedly wash and rinse, forcing me to remember that I am made of harder stuff than I give myself credit for.

The lesson: When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I was what, 5?

I obviously forgot all about it.

Life didn’t.

Chapter 1

Hard Times and Neverending Comebacks.

I grew up being challenged. I know not what it is with the world…it always pointed fingers at me and said, nope…you can’t do it!

I thrived when I was shown the finger. I got down to business. I tried and I tried until the world was proven wrong. I won every race and every rank that was out there to snag.

You can’t climb a tree in a frock! I did. A guava!

You can’t learn Telugu! I did. Hindi, English, French, a smattering of Swahili too.

You can’t beat us at our own game! I did. In pretty much everything I put my name against.

You can’t kiss in public in India! I did. In broad daylight.

You can’t fall in love outside borders of our religion, caste, race, country. I did. In style!

You can’t stay single. You can’t be childless. You can’t stay with the parents. You can’t be jobless. You can’t exercise your free will. You are a woman. You just can’t.

I did. I just DID.

Deep within me, the childhood lesson was my loudest cheerleader despite the fact that I didn’t even remember it.

Chapter 2

Hard Times and Fighting Enemies at Home.

But then I forgot again. All the things I had defied to have come so far. Who I had become as a result. The titanium that was proud to wear me as it’s armour. Swoosh…all forgotten!

I was 23 when depression reared it’s head for the first time. All roads shut their doors on me. Stuck at a crossroad with no where to go, depression spread quickly.

Before I knew it, I was exploring all options to quit life. A scissor. A nightly trial on the rooftop to stop my heart. A ledge off the balcony. A speeding bus. A kitchen knife.

Came face to face with failure after failure. Life had a six-love advantage over me. I was on the brink.

The old friend, that lesson from childhood made itself come through for me through a song on the radio. I was on the ledge ready to jump. I didn’t.

Instead I walked. Just walked. I cried and I cried on these walks, letting complete strangers witness my breakdowns. I didn’t need their sympathy. I just needed someone to SEE me past my iron clad exterior that refused to seek help.

Walking is man’s best medicine. ~ Hippocrates

Every opportunity I got, I walked. On the road. On the rooftop. In my bedroom when it rained. I walked myself through depression and out of it’s heavy winter. Took me 18 years to beat it. But here I am. Alive.

Let’s turn pain to paint. ~ Andy Hobson

I chose a canvas and oils to transform my pain through paint. Now I am a self taught painter and my art is my sacred space where I find my God. Now paint is my prayer, not a tool to convert pain.

The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. ~ Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations

I meditated. Heavily. Silence became the place where I fought the most violent battles with enemies at home: My own mind.

The war had come home. It was no more about proving myself to the world. It was trying to pacify my mind to quit annihilating itself. Self sabotage can strangely be so sweet and addictive! How does one stop fighting with one’s own mind?

The same old childhood friend I had managed to forget again came to my rescue. Winning over my mind was like climbing that guava tree. Slipping and sliding. Going back on the bark again and again. Never giving up. Until I reached the top.

My suicidal tendencies reared it’s head from time to time. Only for me to quell the urge and say to them, not today…maybe tomorrow?

One more day at a time to live life at it’s fullest.

Quit my flailing business. A couple of serious relationships quit on me.

I stayed put despite the delicious desire to end it all trying it’s best to catch my attention.

You’re only one workout away from a good mood. ~ Unknown

I was only one workout away from a certain suicide attempt.

What seems impossible today will one day be your warm-up. ~ Unknown

Getting my mind off jumping from a country of million thoughts to another was the impossible task then, now a breeze.

Your mind will quit a thousand times before your body will. ~ Reginald Red

Thankfully, my body always believed it is the next Wonder Woman. It never learnt to quit.

Through discipline, dedication and determination, I taught myself to walk through the maze of my mind, every time it played it’s tricks on me. Slowly but steadily.

I was 41 when I finally checked in for therapy after another almost-attempt at you know what.

I still don’t know what exactly made me go out of my shell and seek help. My mind probably had had enough. All I heard is a loud NO.

Maybe it was my childhood friend, the tree climbing lesson that had finally had enough with my forgetfulness…or was it cowardice to face life disguised as forgetfulness?

It packed it’s bags, found a cozy room in my memory palace and settled there for good. I am right here and I see you! Don’t you dare see past me, kiddo!

The rest as they say is history. When everyone was gasping for motivation during the pandemic I seemed to live my best life then. Nothing since has affected me as much as it used to.

I know what I am capable of now. I am my worst enemy and I am my best friend. Both true at the same time.

Hard times are no more chapters in my life. They have always been there and done that. They are a part of my veins…err history. Literally.

If one such time threatens to take me down somewhere down the road, I know what to do.

Climb a guava tree!

Oh hey wait…I already DID. I just need to remember I did.

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If this post comes across as if I have had a hard life with year after year being harder than the previous one…well, it is the truth. I have not embellished my words to seek sympathy. I am being honest, brutally so.

It has been a long bumpy ride. It took me 4 decades to finally lock in on the rhythm of my life and find balance and harmony in living it the way I want to. As I am sure many of you have too. This post is just an honest reflection on how I roughed it out through the tough times.

To all of you going through tough times, specially depression : Suicide is not the answer. Although it might seem like you cannot go on for another day, please try. Please know you are built of much sterner stuff that you think you do. You have got this!

Give yourself this one day. Breathe. Eat. Go out in the sun. Walk. Exercise. Listen to your favorite track. Call someone. Or just sleep through it.

I know it’s never easy to share your pain with a loved one. I couldn’t. You don’t have to. Call a helpline. Talk it out to the one on the other side who will listen to you with no judgement.

There is help out there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

If I can, you can beat this too. Trust me, YOU CAN!

Hit me up if you want to unload and unpack your life: Reach out to me here livinginthepause2244@gmail.com.