Theloopylululog

Am I shaped more by my experiences or by who I am?

Let me pause and think.

If you are asking me, if Life is a game of tug of war, who would win? My experiences or I?

I would say None.

Let me explain it my way.

Imagine the centre court of Wimbledon. It’s the match that decides the champion. Everyone in pristine white. Silence untouched by human theatrics.

We; you and I enter the court, our gear in hand. We cordially greet each other and go to our respective sides. Move through our respective manic match rituals, meditating on the feel of the grass…how the ball bounces off it. We practice throwing some balls. Quietly noticing who we are today as the sun quietly shifts itself to the edge of the seat.

Our training from all our yesterdays have brought us here, onto the centre court of the mecca of tennis. Our results from yesterday has us both here; face to face, within reach of winning the one trophy that matters.

The score reads: 6-4, 4-6, 6-2, 2-6, 6-6; the decider set headed into a tiebreak. We are serving for the match.

The ball rises high up; it’s all our experiences condensed into one small sphere of yellow. The racquet, strung perfectly taut thwacks it up in the air; it’s us, all of who we are, have always been, our core indestructible nature strung taut as we came gushing into the world.

Who do you think wins?

Neither.

In a game where the position of the ball decides how the racquet is swung and the racquet decides where the ball is next headed, neither win.

The game wins. Tennis wins.

Likewise, the game of Life wins in the tug of war between my experiences and I.

Elaborating it…

I was born wearing the idiom, When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Like Suryaputra Karna born with the divine armour that made him invincible, this idiom fit me perfectly, in every way. I believed I am possible. I was always pulling the curtain of impossible aside to peep into what lay beyond.

The caveat? It came with a warning I ignored.

I was burning the candle on both ends, not knowing when to stop. I didn’t know when enough was enough. Generous to a fault, giving the shirt off my back at times, pushing my luck. No wonder with such relentless drive, I was riding for a fall. I didn’t come with the manual that specified in bold letters, it’s time to quit Lulu!

I lived a life proving I was capable of what was ahead of the line drawn for me. Achieving goals, chasing dreams, checking off the boxes of my yearly plans, living on the edge. Addicted to being the toughest cookie in the jar of Life.

Like the tennis racquet. Swinging the air with the thwack of the identity of the idiom that defined me.

As I encountered experiences, Life changed tracks.

One by one, things went off kilter. Chasing a dream that didn’t gel with who I was. An introvert becoming an entreprenuer. A sheltered simpleton swimming against tide in a cut throat competitive world. A people pleaser hell bent on pleasing the entire Universe and it’s uncle. An empty cup scrapping the bottom to give, give and give. Sacrificing identity, peace and sanity.

Like the tennis ball. Life threw experiences my way from everywhere. In my mad frenzy I kept hitting everyone of them. Giving myself away completely to my passion, work, family, friends and partners. No boundaries. No idea how to say No. Never knowing when to quit or how.

Leaving nothing to chance.

Leaving nothing to/for myself.

An empty cup drained of Life itself.

Deflated. Defeated. Depleted.

The complete opposite of who I essentially was : Disciplined, Dedicated and Determined.

I hit the ground with nothing.

My experiences had led me to a maze I didn’t know the way out of. With zero energy, motivation or even inclination to move.

BUT as core identity and core memory never change, my identity remembered who I was since birth.

When my experiences left me purposeless and the going got really tough, I found myself digging deep into my core reserves.

We never really forget who we essentially are.

From the depths of nothing, I dug my way out with the same old three D’s I was born with. All that I gave to others outside of me before the breakdown, I poured into myself.

I was my teacher. I was my student.

I was the ball. I was the racquet too.

Drop by drop the cup filled. Until it overflowed with joy and bliss.

Ready for another game.

Not once. Not twice.

Every single time henceforth.

I am who I am today because of the experiences I encountered on the way. Those experiences moulded me into becoming who I am now.

I experience the experiences that come my way now because of who I essentially am. My core identity, personality and memory of them shape how I move through experiences Life sends my way.

Did you observe something as we spoke of Tennis?

We forgot about the net! The reminder in the game to course correct our act!

The net of my Life are the lessons learnt along the way.

The perspectives from what I have learned to forego humbly by way of tweaking what no longer serves me. I don’t need to be the toughest cookie anymore.

The insights that constantly nudge me towards metamorphosis. I can and should transform myself as Life shapes and reshapes itself to make me a better version than how I arrived at birth.

So neither is the winner. They both help Life understand itself better!