Theloopylululog

R. L. Stevenson’s Strange Case of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde remains to date the book that I have read the most number of times.

My first book that wasn’t from the children’s section. My first novella. The first book to beat my rigid stance on never wanting to read anything other than short stories.

My first love. A love that never got away.

A love I revisit every May ever since I first read it in 1996. It stopped being just a book a long time ago.

It’s a ritual.

What began as a rite of passage is a ritual now that keeps me rooted to the duality of human nature hoping to gain insight into human behaviour; something that puzzles me over and over again.

I am a creature of very many rituals. Being connected to the art of cracking the code to who I am beyond the boxes I check into as per society’s standards is one that has stood the test of time.

When you grow up being told you need to be a little more subdued and a little less vibrant, a little more obedient and a little less outspoken; always being asked to tone your true nature down, there comes a point you lose touch with who you are. Wondering where you end and where the society’s mould of you begins.

The line between good and bad blurs. You are not sure anymore if you are good or bad or forever something in between. What’s the G-spot that says YES! YES! Now…this hits all the necessary and essential check points of what being a woman( human?) is!

What makes a human being good? Am I a good human being? These are questions I remember asking myself from a very young age. Hurting someone or even a small insect left me sad and brooding for months…which I would spend ripping myself apart for the choices I made, ashamed of being bad when I had the choice to be good.

Am I still a good woman if I make choices that diverge from what my parents want of me? Choices that put my mental and emotional health ahead of theirs. Choices that seem revolutionary at first but become the beacon for who I end up becoming later in life. Choices that sound selfish and self centred but are in reality the guiding light for building self esteem in me.

This book by Stevenson without making any pretense about it opened me to a spiritual quest that turned out to be a blessing for my future adult self.

It left an impact in me that was at once deep and intense. The horror and terror I went through while reading it still remains unmatched. Despite repeated reading.

Until I read this book, I was unaware of the basal nature of us humans. Call it what you will; naivete or just blissful ignorance of girlhood, this nature that resides within all of us, lying dormant until triggered did not make itself known to me until much later in life. Unleashing itself on unsuspecting humans at moments when cruelty makes more sense than kindness.

Good and bad are two sides of the same coin, most often blurred by a very thin line. We toe this thin line everyday, sometimes falling off the ridge to either side of it depending on who we are at that particular moment in our lives. What decides an act to be good or bad? That is a question we need to answer ourselves BEFORE we act on our impulses.

Without giving the suspense away…For most part of the book, you are clear of what’s happening. There is a personification of good in the form of Jekyll, a law abiding scientist. Respected for his gentlemanly personality.

On the other side, is Mr. Hyde; a vile delinquent human. A devil in human disguise? Not literally. But he is the western counterpart of Ravana. Crude, violent, a bully who turns out to be a rapist and murderer half way through. And the worst part? He enjoys the depravity. Hurting another gives him pleasure. Soon to become an addiction. No wonder Jekyll finds him an abomination.

And then comes the twist in the tale. Something you never see coming. A horrifying climax that literally left me agasp.

A feeling of What in heaven’s name was that? Did I read what I just read? WAIT…WHAT??

At 14, it left me questioning humanity. The pace, the blindingly hot twist and the sheer thrill kept me going. I finished it one night just before I went to bed. I was never the same again. I remember having nightmares for days on end after I finished the novella.

At 44, it still leaves me aghast. I have a wall in my balcony, painted in sunshine yellow in honour of my love for this book and it’s characters. A wall that reads, Don’t be a Jekyll or a Hyde. Be both. That’s Human!

A reminder that I have both good and bad in me. That is the paradox of human nature.

Can I be all good? That would suppress and erase the duality of being human. What would I become then? God?

Likewise can I be all bad? Suppressing the good and becoming a monster getting high on the pain of others? What would I be called…a demon?

Isn’t being human all about finding our true nature and not be horrified or ashamed of it? Isn’t a human being supposed to transcend toeing the line and be equanimous and empathetic to his/ her/ their true nature?

Questions I have asked through every read over the years. Receiving answers from within me that have rendered me speechless.

To this day, I am amazed at what inspired Stevenson to write this gothic thriller written in 1886, more than a century before I read it.

To this day, it remains the book I go back to, when I ponder about the duality of human nature. The paradox of being human is that we are both good and bad. The divine and the evil rests within us. Light and dark dance within us in equal measure. It is entirely upto us to choose who we are and who we become. The paradox of human life lies in the unlimited choices available for us and our freewill to choose one amongst them that not just serves us but serves the greatest good of all of humanity.

This book stands testimony to freewill being the sentinel of human life. Who we become is not entirely dependent on our circumstances but in essence in what we choose to become under any circumstances. We are all in equal parts Ram/Jekyll and Ravana/Hyde. Who we allow to lead our lives; be the driver of our choices makes all the difference.